NUMBNESS

 This is the era where I stop being a person and become a presence, not alive in any meaningful way, just occupying space, breathing because the body insists on it. I don’t socialize, not because I hate people, but because I have nothing left to bring into a room, no laughter, no curiosity, no spark, just a hollow weight sitting behind my eyes. I show up and say nothing or I say the right things without meaning any of them. My voice sounds far away, like I am underwater, nodding along to a world I am not really inside. Everyone else seems to be living while I am stuck on pause.

I am sad in a dramatic way, i am numb and numbness is colder than pain because at least pain proves that I am still here. I don’t miss people anymore and I don’t crave connection. I don’t even feel lonely. I just feel empty, like something essential quietly slips out of me and never comes back. Days pass but they don’t register. Morning, afternoon, night, just different shades of the same blank screen. I eat because hunger exists. I sleep because of exhaustion, not because I want anything from the next day. People talk to me and I answer. They joke and I smile when expected, but inside there is nothing reacting, no joy, no irritation, no interest, just a quiet deadness, like a room where the lights are turned off and forgotten.

I don’t care about stories, about plans, about who is leaving or who is staying. Everything feels equally distant, equally irrelevant. I am here but not here, a body moving through places, a name responding when called, a face performing normality, but behind it all is this heavy stillness, this blank unmoving fog, and this is my era of not socializing, not because I am alone, but because I am not really present anywhere at all.