The Version No One Sees

 Let me tell you a story, not the kind with fairy tales or happy endings nahh. This one doesn’t come wrapped in healing quotes or filtered with hope. It is the kind that creeps in during the quiet hours when the fan hums, when the lights are off and you are left alone with the version of yourself no one sees. There was a night not too long ago when I sat on the edge of my bed motionless, no tears, no prayers, no thoughts loud enough to form words, just a heavy silence I couldn't shake off or get over, my phone was right beside me, lighting up every few minutes with messages I didn’t have the strength to open, not because I didn’t care but because pretending to be okay had become too exhausting.

I have realize that don't want to die but I also don't really feel alive and that is a strange space to exist in. Somewhere between presence and absence, between numb and overwhelmed. I wish that I didn’t feel like dying sometimes, but I’d be a liar if I said I never dreamt of the dark and I mean really dreamt of it in that breathless way where the silence feels louder than your heartbeat.

There are nights where i am unable to sleep and unwilling to exist, nights when the air was too heavy and my chest felt like a battlefield. No bullets, no screams just the quiet war of my thoughts pulling me apart, thread by thread. My phone kept buzzing and every vibration felt like a reminder that people wanted things from me but not actually me. Just my energy, my effort, my smile and there I was bone-tired, empty, fading. Omo i cried that night ooo but it wasn’t the loud, messy crying. It was the kind that slips quietly out your eyes because your soul doesn’t have the strength to scream anymore.

I feel people down play this quiet kind of pain, where you show up every day smiling, cracking jokes, helping others but deep down, you are barely holding on, you are breaking in beautiful silence, you are wearing joy like borrowed clothes that don’t fit anymore. Here comes the twist I’m not writing this for pity, far from it.

I’m writing this for you, you who understands what it feels like to dream of the dark, you who feels guilty for being tired of life, even when people say, you have so much to be grateful for, you who has smiled through funerals of dreams, friendships and versions of yourself you had to bury quietly. This is for us who carry sadness like a second skin and mastered the art of pretending. But maybe, just maybe there is still something waiting beyond the dark. Might not be hope or healing, but honesty, a small sacred space where we admit that some days feel heavier than others, where we no longer hide behind I’m fine and i'm okay

So if you are reading this and you’ve been feeling it too. Know that you are not weak, you are not alone, you are not broken beyond repair, you are human, still breathing and still fighting but above all you are doing well and even if you dream of the dark sometimes, note that it doesn't mean you won’t find light again. Let this be your reminder, it’s okay to feel tired of pretending, it is okay to not be okay, just don’t let go. Not yet, not today.