The Garden Where It Ended

Heartbreak doesn’t always come with a loud noise and sometimes, it slips in quietly leaving you to watch the person you care about avoid your eyes. Well that is how it was with Bella, my second heartbreak.

We met in the most random, unbelievable way. I had just walked into the reception at work when I noticed her coughing, clearly uncomfortable. I didn’t think twice as a gentleman na, I handed her my bottle of water, she accepted it while still trying to catch her breath and I told her to keep it as I walked off to my office. The next day, she came to my office and handed me a new bottle of water, I owe you one she said, smiling shyly, well that small gesture turned into something much more. Not long after, we bumped into each other again in the company's garden, where a few of us usually have our lunch. I invited her to sit with me, we talked about everything, life, family, childhood, pain, even dreams. Seconds turned into minutes, minutes into hours, hours to days and days into weeks, before we knew it, we were syncing our lunch breaks just to be together. She brought me food sometimes and I’d bring her snacks, we took walks, shared playlists, laughed and made silly jokes just for the fun of it. She helped me plan my day and I gave her ideas for her projects, deep down i felt alive in a way, you know it been a while i've had this feeling, it was simple, warm, and natural. Love crept in quietly and yes I welcomed it.

Gen ghen then came the day it all shattered.

We were sitting together, side by side eating and laughing over something silly, just enjoying the calms in the moment, then, out of nowhere she looked at me and asked what would you do if you found out your wife couldn’t have kids after marriage? it caught me off guard. I paused, looked at her, and answered as honestly as I could. I’d be hurt, especially if she didn’t tell me before the marriage. It would shake me, I won’t lie, the way I see her might shift for a moment... but I'd come around, i know i would. I made a vow, before God and man. i wouldn’t leave.

She went quiet after that , the laughter faded. her eyes dropped and then in the softest, most fragile voice, she said I can’t give birth. I blinked, still thinking it was just hypothetical. I asked gently You can’t or you won’t? That was when the air shifted, her face grew pale, her eyes turned red, like they were holding back years of silence and with a voice that trembled under the weight of regret, she said I lost my womb in 200 level, it was 2019, i wasn’t ready. I had an abortion, something went wrong and that was the end of it for me. And just like that, time stood still, the noise of the world faded and all that was left was the sound of truth unraveling between us.

My chest tightened and then it hit me 9.06.2019 the date tattooed on her wrist wasn't just there. I used to think it was just something sentimental, a birthday maybe a quiet memory, but in that moment, it all made sense. That ink wasn’t for decoration it was a scar disguised as art. Her face flushed a deep red, and her eyes welled up until they couldn’t hold the pain anymore. She tried to stay composed, tried to hold the flood behind her trembling smile but pain has a way of leaking through the cracks through the quiver in her voice, through the silence between her words.

I reached for her, gently, it is okay, I said, I see you and I don’t see you any less. I wiped her tears, held her hand like it was something sacred, helped her breathe again. We didn’t say much after that, we just walked back to the office quietly and slowly, both of us carrying something heavy, but not alone anymore. I booked her a ride home. low key i knew she needed space though she didn’t ask, i just knew and more than that she needed peace. That night, I couldn’t sleep so I texted her word after word, heart open and raw. I told her this changed nothing for me, that I still wanted her, all of her infact. I went on to say that we could adopt, get a surrogate whatever it would take, i believe love is more than biology, bloodlines or broken pasts, what I feel for her is real and i am willing to make us work. I meant every word and I’m not running. But she didn’t reply and that silence it hurt, not because I needed an answer but because I knew her silence wasn’t about me, it was the echo of a girl who has been carrying shame like a second skin. A girl who doesn’t believe she deserves softness anymore.

Days passed in silence, i thought she was processing but when I saw her at work and called out, she looked at me with a distance I couldn’t explain. I’m not in the mood, she said, coldly. Please leave me alone. I gave her space but it broke me. I went to her office again, she finally said, Meet me when you close. omo that day dragged like forever but by 6 p.m., I was downstairs. She was already waiting. I’m sorry, she began, we can’t be together. Is it because of what you told me? I asked. Yes and no, she said. It is because I don’t feel worthy of you, you are sincere, you are kind, you didn’t judge me and I see your effort, your energy and your intention. I see the way you try to make me happy, i see that you truly care and that scares the hell out of me.

I was speechless but she continued, You said we could adopt or get a surrogate, you said all the right things and I believe you but I don’t want to rub you of your joy, I don’t want you to carry my pain as your future. You deserve more. Omo I wanted to scream but I stayed silent. I know you love me, she said, her voice shaking and that is what hurts the most because I can’t let you give that kind of love to someone who’s already decided she can’t receive it. Tears welled in my eyes but omo i cant be seen crying i blinked them back. I had to respect her choice even if it broke everything in me. I told her one last time, I was sincere and want to be with you despite it all. She just nodded, turned, and walked away and that was it. My second heartbreak didn’t explode it faded quietly in the garden where everything began, I loved her truly but I guess real love can be scary especially when it is true.